The Praying Parrots A lady approaches her priest and tells him 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.' "What do they say?' the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'' "That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.' "Thank you!' the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say 'Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?' One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Well, finally... our prayers have been answered!"
TO THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! > >When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious >diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what >with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH >ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda > >And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way >in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how >hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over >the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice >the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my >childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! >And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got >it! >I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to >know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up >ourselves, in the card >catalog!! > >There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... >with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put >it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! > >There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to >hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! > >Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the >DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! > >We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone >and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! > >And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, >you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your >boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just >didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! > >We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with >high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like >"Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy >was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And >there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen >forever! > >And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder >and faster and faster until you died! . Just like LIFE! > >When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium >seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old >broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were >just screwed! > >Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 >channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had >to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! > >You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off >your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was >no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday >Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for >cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! > >And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up . we >had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If >we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake >it over the stove forever like an idiot. > >That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too >easy. You're spoiled. > >You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
The Retired Preacher ----------------------------- A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?" The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?" The kid said, "Yep." "Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled. The kid replied, "You have to cuss it." The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?" The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing." The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!" The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
When Howard found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll Inherit 200 million dollars!" Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, only three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men...
Come on boys. Set up, Punch. Set up Punch. We didnt' get 350,000 views by chance. Hymie goes to the Doctor. "Doc. It hurts when I pee." "Leeme axe you Hymie (NY Joke), How old are you?" "93". "Haven't you peed enough?" Old guy goes to confession. "Faddah (NY Joke), I got two goahjush 19 year old twins at the house, Huge bongs, great asses.... I'm stoupin' them everyday...... and I'm 83!!!" "Sir, what is your name." "Hymie Goldberg" "Why, you're not Catholic. Why are you here, telling me this!!!????!!??" "Faddah (NY Joke), I'm tellin' EVERYBODE-E-E-E-E-E-E!" Hymie reforms. Becomes a Catholic. AFter five years, the Priest says, "Mr. Goldberg, you are a model Catholic. I hold up you life to the other parishioners as an example on how to live a Christian life. Would you like to give the Sermon this Sunday?" "Faddah (remember? NY joke?), Faddah, it's be my pleasure." Sunday, Hymie takes the podium, Looks at the congregation, and begins........ "Fellow Goyim..............." Hymie takes ill the following year. He's hospitalized. Doc comes to see him. "Hymie, I got good news, .........and I got bad news." "Doc, I've led a good life. Let me have it.... the bad news." "OK. You've got cancer, I don't think you'll see the weekend." "What?!!??? What the hell, what good the good news be...???" "The blond nurse, the one at the front desk with the big tits?? I"m stoupin' her." Set up, Punch, set up, punch. Meat, drums, blowjobs..........which doesn't belong? Blowjobs. Why, ??? Well, you can beat your meat, you can beat a drum, but-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- You can't beat a blowjob. Set up, punch, set up punch. Lady goes out back, sees an ape in the tree. Goes to the phone book, calls Smith and Jones, Gorilla Catchers. THey pull up. Guy has a Ladder, big stick, shotgun, and a beautiful English Collie. Sees the problem, says, no problem. But, Smith is sick can the lady help? "Sure, what do I do?" "I believe you told me you were a housewife........." "No, I mean what do I do to help?" "Oh. I'm going to climb the tree and poke that ape with this big stick. The collie here, she's trained to run up, bit the animail in the, uh, well, bit the animal in his private area until he's incapacitated. Then, I'll tie him up and get him out of here. " The fellow prepares to climb the tree, and hands the shotgun to the lady. "What do I do with this.? "Madame, perchance the ape knocks me from the Oak, you shoot that goddamn dog." Set up, punch, set up, punch. Cop stops a driver. "You been drinkin' Buddy"? "No, why? Is there an ugly girl in the backseat?' Bada bing. My dog licks his balls. Know why? He can't make a fist. Bada boom. Have a nice day. As the hooker said to the ED sufferin' John, hope I at least made you smile.
I found a pretty good joke yesterday, I was going to post but it had the words Vito and Guido and didn't want to offend any Italians. It is hard to find good animal jokes.
Then, why don't you just change the names to Luigi and Mario? No one could tell the difference, it'll be fine. OK, let's hear it!
When you hire a new sales force it's important to invest in their training. Not only will that help get everyone "on the same page" it will enable you to spend some serious time bonding with new hires, especially over $8 beers at bars you cannot tell your wife about. In order to help fill the training gap a virtual industry has sprung up offering all kinds of sales training courses, seminars and materials. Some of the popular training courses in high tech sales include: Target Account Selling Solution Selling Spin Selling Low-Carbo Selling Selling To VITO (Very Important Top Officer) Selling To Guido, his brother Selling To Tony, his barber Sell Your Way To The Top Sell Your Way Out Of Prison Willie Loman's Guide To Closing The Deal Sell Anything to Anyone Even If They Hate Your Guts These are definitely worth the money in order to establish a common vocabulary for the sales people. Mostly of the vocabulary will be along the lines of "this training sucks" but it will certainly be common.
I used to know all Italian jokes. I'm italian American. But then we lost out to, if I remember the progression, Blacks, Irish, Gays, Poles. It's tough to get booted off the top like that. No ceremony. Why are so many of us named "Tony". ? They used to give us little tags that said, "To NY". I did the one about "foot and a half". Remember Club Foot? Wanted to offend as many as possible there. There must be some about women's facial hair, that sorta stuff. I"ll feed the dogs and be back. I'm sure they're back there in what gray matter I have left buried under naked pictures of Playmates from the sixties, bad memories from my Catholic years; I'll dig them out. Quick gay joke. Oh, get over it. Two lesbians built their own house. No nails. All tongue and groove. What do you call a Lesbian with long fingers? Well hung. Bada boom. Set up Punch. Oh yeah. They've got their own sneaker line. Nine inch tongues. Called, "Dikes". Ok, that's it. I'm writing some politician jokes, but it's hard to satirize clowns. Oh yeah, clowns. what'd the cannibal say after tasting the clown? Man, this tastes funny. Bada bing. If I offended any gay people, get over it.. They call 'em jokes for a reason. Like the gay guy who went to the proctologist. He felt a tugging when he walked. The doc was scoping him and said, "Oh my God. There's a rose up here. A rose." "Well-l-l-l-l-l-l-, said the patient. "Are you going to read the card, or not???" OK I'll be back to make fun of me in a minute.