Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. The Mime
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    One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

    However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

    The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly.

    The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

    He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

    The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires.

    He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

    Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

    At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

    Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

    Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
     
    lawrence-lugar likes this.
  2. Men in Heaven
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    When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for themen who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to
    St. Peter."

    Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

    The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, here was only one man.

    God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

    God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

    The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
     
  3. A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per year.

    Another revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year. (~4 x 12 oz/week)

    Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.

    My Conclusion: I’m waaaaay above average – walk less, drink more… :)
     
  4. Product Warning Labels
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    On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
    (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

    On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase
    necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

    On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular
    soap." (and that would be how???.......)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion:
    Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not
    turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot
    after heating." (...and you thought????....)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on
    body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or
    operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could
    do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
    we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
    those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.."
    (and...I'm taking this because???....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or
    outdoor use only." (as opposed to.....what)?

    On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the
    other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
    I'm a bit curious.)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions:
    Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment
    does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company.
    I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain
    with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a
    lot of this happening somewhere?)
     
    Pauly99 likes this.
  5. Yannis

    Yannis

    A Good Oldie

    Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. They go inside and ask the waitress, "Please tell us the name of the place where we are right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress nods that she understood, leans a little towards them and goes, "Burrr-gerrr-Kiiing!"

    :) :) :)
     
  6. "On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or
    outdoor use only." (as opposed to.....what)?"

    Reminds me, there was one product (can't remember now) instructions said:

    Store at room temperature but do not keep indoors.
     
  7. Yannis

    Yannis

    Just means that if you deploy it just at the doorframe as the door opens and closes it'll get squished... :) :) :)
     
  8. A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

    The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

    "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
     
    Handle123 likes this.
  9. Lucrum

    Lucrum

    WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

    One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
    She picked a little boy to do the first test.
    She blind folded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do
    you know what it is?"
    "No, I don't," said the little boy.
    "Ok, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work."
    Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!!"
     
  10. Yannis

    Yannis

    The Revenge Portrait

    A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
    "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
    "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry..."

    :) :) :)
     
    #10     May 1, 2007