I talked a friend out of dating a single mom.

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by KINGOFSHORTS, Dec 20, 2010.

  1. He has no kids, and I was able to convince him to not go out on a second date with a single mom.


    So, you've just met a beautiful women, however, she has kids and you want to date her anyway. What do you do?

    Rule #1 - Don't!

    Its sad but true. If you decide to date a single mother, you'd better beware. To many, this seems cold and callous, but there are far more problems with dating single mothers than you'd think.

    Single mothers are first and foremost dedicated to their children, (as it should be). If she isn't, you've got an entirely different problem on your hands. You'll be the one that took her attention away from her kids in the eyes of her family and friends - the "bad guy". No matter what, you'll never be "top banana" in her life.

    All too often, single mothers are looking for a man to 1) be the father to their children, to help raise them and care for them, 2) to pay the bills, and 3) to give her freedom from the kids for awhile. If the kids have to go to the doctor, she may not be able to afford it and may not have insurance - so you'll have to pony up. If they need braces, have to go to summer camp, need money for a school trip, etc., she's likely going to be pretty tight that month. So to look good in her eyes, you're going to wind up paying these bills. This is a lot to ask someone that isn't even related to the children!

    When you two go out, she's going to have to find a babysitter for the kids. She can't do this too often, so your "outings" are going to be limited. Further, this gets very expensive, very quickly - so, instead of getting a sitter, she will begin to include them in your time together. You'll be paying for meals, theatre tickets, plane trips, and any other expense that comes up while you are together.

    Forget anything spontaneous, and absolutely forget sleep-overs. How is she going to find a sitter that will watch the kids until the morning? If you're at her place, you're not going to be able to sleep there either. It is rather awkward to wake up and see the kids faces wondering what you're doing there in the morning!

    When it comes to actually raising the children (which includes discipline), you probably won't have a say. Again, you're not the father - and the kids know it! Unless the woman is willing to get behind you 100% and to support your decisions in discipline, you're out of luck.

    The women is probably separated or divorced from the children's father, but you will always have this man's influence in your life - after all these are his children - not yours. He and she probably have their own battles and you're going to be right in the middle of them. Also consider, that your values probably will not match his. This means that you will always be at odds with him.

    Further, she probably has personal problems with this man, and again, you're going to be the one listening to it all, supporting her and her problems with him, and you're not going to have much of a say at all.

    In short, unless you're just dying to have a pre-made family, and can't make them yourself, you're in for a real shock. Think twice about it, then think about it again. You better be ready if you decide to take this plunge! Better yet, find a woman without kids - they ARE out there!

    Ok, you won't listen to reason, what should you do?

    If you've decided to take the plunge head-long into parenthood, or you're already in that situation, here's what you should do immediately:

    1) Decide what role you're willing to play with the kids. Be specific and don't "give over" to what you think the mother would want. You need to decide for yourself.

    2) Have a discussion with the mother. You need to work out some specific issues:

    What are her expectation of you with her kids?
    What authority do you have (remember - in your house, YOU get to set the rules), and will she back you up?
    What are her "core values" - those she wants to pass on to her kids?
    What will she tell them about your relationship?
    How does she expect to handle things as you get closer - does she have a plan, or is she going to "wing it"?
    3) If you can, meet with the kid's father. Start by telling him that you're not trying to compete with him for the kid's affection, and that you recognize the problems involved. Then, ask him what his "core values" are. As long as they're not contrary to the mother's, tell him you'll try to pass these along when you're with his kids.

    4) Have a discussion with the kids and their mother. Explain that you're not trying to replace "daddy" - he is a very special person in their lives. But, you and mommy are together and you want to be their friends too. Tell them that you expect them to listen to you (and have mommy agree in front of them!) And, don't make promises or deals with the kids - this is just to get them involved. Group hug time!

    My friend - remember, this is a very difficult thing to pull off - and relationships with unencumbered women are difficult enough. If you succeed, you're definitely one survivor among many dead.

    For more information on handling dating problems like this and many other issues, see "Being a Man in a Woman's World".

    Good luck!
  2. Never in my life have I read such a shallow, self-absorbed and superficial diatribe, laced with blatent self interest...and I agree with every bit of it. No interest in picking up the pieces of someone else's mess of a life. I do enough damage on my own, thank you very much.

  3. More tips.

    1) Baby Damage - Birth has a traumatic effect on the female form. Pregnancy leaves stretch marks, saggy breasts, and c-section scars. I’ve also heard that the nookie is even stretch out and it isn’t the same anymore. Then there’s the weight gain. Most women NEVER LOSE IT or they never get their former hot shape back.

    2) “I Can’t Find A Baby Sitter” - Women will use this as an excuse to get out of date with you or they may legitmately can’t find a baby sitter. Either case it isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

    3) Babies Interrupt Sex - I’ve had this happen to me. I was banging a woman and her kid interrupted my sex. Needless to say I was pissed. If some kid is going to interrupt the meanest head you’ve ever gotten, that kid should have your last name.

    4) Baby’s Daddy - When your dealing with a woman and your getting know her, you shouldn’t have to deal with kid’s father. Some guys can’t get over the fact that their ex has moved on. Before he was an un-attentive jerk and didn’t give a jolly goddamn about her. Now that you’ve entered into the picture, the dude wants to be the ideal boyfriend and a “father of the year,” nominee.” The guy stars stalking her and wants to fight you. Even if the woman and guy are on good terms, the guy feels as if he can always smash. He knows her. He knows what she wants to hear and what makes her happy. The next know you your having this conversation- “I’ve decided to try and make it work with Jimmy’s dad”. Best way to avoid the situation is to avoid single moms.

    5)Rent-A-Daddy - Realizing her mistake, realizing that kids (especially boys need fathers,) The woman gets desperate, any and every guy has the potential to be “daddy.” You’re out trying to get some, not inheirit a family.

    6)The Kids Are Still Up - This is only a problem if your trying to pursue something other than a booty call. Wanting to spend time with you, but not wanting to bring strange men around her kids, you find yourself only seeing this female after 10 or 11PM. You want to move forward, but she has to make sure your the “one.” This could take months. I suggest dealing with women that are readily available to hang out.

    7) Double Heart Break - You are with the woman, then everything falls apart. You not only do you have to deal with losing the woman, but you’ve formed a bond with lil’ Jimmy. You and Jimmy play HALO together, watch the Wizards’ hoop it up, go to the zoo, and things dads do with sons or daughters. On top of maybe missing the woman, you miss the kid.

    Your Not My Dad. - You hook up with the woman, eventually the issue of discipline is going to come up. Some kids being resentful or just being a bratty prick is going to eventuallly pull the “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! YOUR NOT MY DAD!!!” card. Personally if I did date single mothers and some dumba$$ kid pulled that stunt on me, I would say, “Your right. I’m not your father. Since I have no authority over you and you refuse to listen to me, you need to pack your sh*t and go live with your dad.” This would be a deal breaker for me. In addition some mothers or the dad would have problem with you disciplining their kid. I’m sorry, if some kid broke my laptop, I’m whooping his a$$.

    9)You Know What She Going To Do - She already has one kid, if you knock her up, it’s safe to assume she’s going to have another one.

    10) Bad Judge of Character - This female got knocked up by somebody that she was “supposely in love with.” Not only is she a bad judge of character, she’s GROSSLY irresponsible. The same guy that’s an a$$hole now, is the same guy she thought the world of and had unprotected sex with.

    11)Unneccessary Expeditures - Eventually you’ll get to meet the kid(s.) Soon those dates turn into family outings. Instead of paying for two people, your paying for three or more. The same goes if you move in with her.

    12) You’ll Never Be 1 - When your trying to build a relationship with somebody, you should be the focus of the woman’s life. It should be about you and her. If she has a kid, you’ll NEVER BE 1!!! That’s not a bad thing either, but it’s something I don’t want to deal with. Neither should you.

    13)Tag, Your It! - This should be the BIGGEST deterrent to EVER dealing with a single mother. In some jurisdictions, I think California is one of them, if you start dealing with a female with kids, move in with her and things go south. THE FEMALE CAN SUE YOU FOR CHILD SUPPORT!!!! She can claim that the her and child have “become a customed to you supporting the child.” YOU COULD END UP POSSIBILY PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR A KID THAT ISN’T EVEN YOURS! Imagine being extorted money because you were doing what you thought was the “right thing.” The state doesn’t give a rat’s a$$ about the relationship being over or you being a “good guy.” They just don’t want the chick on welfare. So as far as your concerned, it’s “TAG, YOUR IT!”

    Wow I never knew #13 is even possible, thats messed up!!
  4. Oh that's funny, I just noticed that we both posted Michael Scott vids... Coincidence?
  5. Every piece of ass has a cost. Just because she's a single mother doesn't mean it'll cost more. [​IMG]
  6. Larson

    Larson Guest

    KOS point here is your" irritation factor" will go off the charts if you engage her. She better be really special, otherwise it will be a mistake.
  7. Mav88


    All these women geniuses on here...

    You guys are right though, step families are VERY difficult, and don't even think about it with someone who has no money and minor children. Please don't screw with these women, they have it hard enough.

    However with all this advice I can't believe you never thought to find a woman who actually has her own cash. It's as if all of you want some poor pretty dumb gal you can control.

    I'll admit it's hard to find, but worth the effort. I think the main problem is that now you must meet standards, not just her.
  8. Larson

    Larson Guest

    No genius here, just speaking from first-hand experience.
  9. left or right?
    #10     Dec 20, 2010