Monday Sept. 10, A.P. Manhattan Bureau:Mary Jo White,N.Y.Southern District Asst. United States Attorney has announced the most sweeping arrests and conspiracy charges for securities fraud in U.S. history this AM. Seventy Eight people have been charged, fifty seven apprehened so far. Sue Herera was the most surprised as she was collared at the Gristede's all night market on Madison Ave. where she had gone to pick up additional midnight snacks before supposedly launching some early AM London Liffe Single Stock Futures Sell Programs. Ron Insana was picked up by the Gatehouse at his lavish Pocantico Hills estate where he gone to hound the night watchman on and overdue margin call for Ciena that he felt might reflect on him. Two other conspirators Joe Kernen and Art Hogan were arrested at P.J. Clarke's on 53rd and Third Ave. in Manhattan where they had been swilling beers all evening. The bartender said Hogan got red in the face and yelled Dow 36,000 every fifteen minutes or so. Earlier in the evening he had gotten into a pushing and shoving match with famed short seller Robert Wilson, the bouncer recalled. They were a difficult collar and had to be led away in ankle restraints and handcuffs. Kernen pleaded with the paddy wagon driver to please let him go on his own recognizance, and he was seen whispering into the driver's ear that he "knew of a little bio-tech company operating out of the back of a shopping center donut shop in Compton, California that a has cure for cancer and herpes with more cures on the way". Mary Jo White felt the charge most applicable to them was General and Gross Acts of Stupidity. Surprisingly Joe Bittapataglia was not named in the indictment, White said "we just feel sorry for him, he's obviously a misguided individual who needs all the counseling he can get. Nobody could be that dumb and pass a Series 7 exam". Abby Joseph Cohen was nabbed at Central Park's tony Tavern On The Green where she had just sponsored a Bar Mitzvah for her nephew that reputedly had set her back a whopping $200,000.00. "Thats chump change for me Mac" she snarled at assembled reporters,"plus I was only taking orders" she spit at one reporter. The Bar Mitzvah had a S&P 2500 theme one guest indicated. Not far away Frank Zarb and Richard Grasso were apprehened at swank Le Bernadin where they were dining with their wives and assorted hangers on. Grasso being led away in cuffs was heard snarling to his bodyguard Bruno "make sure those stooges are applauding on the Visitor's Gallery at 4.00 or I'll send you back to one of Gotti's crews in Queens. I'll beat this rap, you'll see. We always do". Frank Zarb outgoing head of the Nasdaq with a $7,000,000.00 payoff remarked as he got into the Squad Car," Hey I'll be at my usual table at 21 for lunch,you can bet on that pal, we got some great new rules coming down later this month and next that pins this whole magillah on the little guys, a genius down in D.C. came up with a great name for the Frame, its called Pattern Day Trading, you just got to love the ring of that, kinda like Serial Killer, sounds like Ted Bundy coming through your bedroom window with a butcher knife, its enough to give anyone the Willies. What a bunch a jerks the little guys are" he went on to remark," any jerk that does homework three to four hours a day, studies charts endlessly, subscribes to services,lives,eats, breathes Trading for their whole life deserves this FrameUp.What a bunch of stiffs. They are all going to get what they deserve". More arrests are expected to continue during the early AM hours. Also 358 floor brokers and clerks along with clearing firm receptionists have been named in the Indictment. "The little people will sing first,they always do" White remarked,"because they always do the time first. It's the pattern day traders I feel sorry for, there's tens of thousands of them in this hopper too". Jon Corzine former Goldman Sachs head who bought a U.S. Senate Seat for $53,000,000.00 with suckers money yelled out of his Georgetown townhouse bedroom window "don't bug me about this anymore"to assembled reporters below " I've moved on to the big leagues boys and girls, I'm not in that racket anymore". zzzxo!!ooOO Whew thanks for waking me up you won't believe the dream I just had, the day's the day I have to shut down my quote service for October and notify all my other services that I'm packing it in. I'm going on a long, long vacation and I probably won't be back.
Almost passed this one by. Brought a smile to my face. I'm sure your all tired of hearing it but for those of you that are thinking about packin' it in, just remember you've got the Minis and Swingtrading for now. Single Stock Futures and the new smaller Dow contract on a/c/e are on the way.
Thanks tymjr I think the single stock futures are going to be awesome with massive volume. And am well aware of the new mini's coming on stream at a/c/e-Eurex. Eventually feel the NYSE and NASD will be very sorry they came up with the "Pattern Day Trader" scheme. This is nothing more then a cynical attempt to put Deep Discounters and Direct Access out of Business.