Friday Funnies: REDNECK ALARM

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by TigerO, Nov 28, 2003.

  1. TigerO


    "A True Tale of my Redneck Neighbor" :)


    "In case you're wondering, this Web page is about my next-door neighbors. Since my neighbors have been driving me crazy and no amount of civilized reasoning and/or negotiations have worked - I have decided to dedicate a small corner of cyber-space to them.

    My family and friends are constantly asking me to tell them the "latest" thing my neighbor has done so this page will save me from repeating myself. Besides, I thought it would be fun. Everything you read here is entirely true, that's what makes it so funny. Enjoy!


    My neighbors moved into the house next to ours in October 1997. It’s a brand new neighborhood with new houses. Everyone’s house looks beautiful but that’s about to change. The new neighbors seem like normal people until shortly after they move in (more later).

    First, let me say that my redneck neighbor is not destitute or under-privileged. The guy owns a business, drives VERY nice new cars, he just doesn’t care about his house. In order to protect the ignorant, we’ll call him John Doe # 8 or JD8 for short.


    October 1997 - They are here!

    Well, it should have been a sign of things to come but my neighbors move into their brand new house. Inventory: 1 artificial Christmas tree, clothes, stereo system, TV, no furniture). The Christmas tree is nicely decorated (remember, it's October). We can tell what the tree looks like because the windows have no miniblinds so at night, you can see right into the house as you drive up. They have also decided to wrap some strands of Christmas lights around their front porch railing. I guess there's no electric outlet nearby because they never turn these lights on.


    October 1997 - 1st Home beautification project

    It's dark outside, I'm standing in front of my house and my neighbor does the following: He gets in his car, drives it up to the house on the other side of my house (this house is still being built). He backs his car up to the construction site and opens the trunk. He calmly proceeds to load up the trunk with bricks and 2x4s. Pretty clever, huh?

    The following night, at around 9:00pm he decides it's time to build a mailbox post. It's very nice. He used the stolen 2x4s from the previous night. It looks like it's made out of 2x4s except he didn't steal any that were long enough so he nails a couple of them together to get the correct height - I mean, it has to look just right! The mailbox post is not very sturdy so he braces it with an additional 2x4 (at an angle). Click here to see the mailbox (no bracing 2x4 though).

    He uses the bricks as edging for his flower beds. They look nice. Especially with the newly planted bamboo trees and the ten gallon fish tank (no fish, just water).


    November 1997 - The fence!

    I wake up to my wife telling me, "Hey, it looks like JD8 is working on a fence". Well I don't think much of it until she tells me that he's trying to build a fence around the entire house (front and back) and that the fence is going to be chain-link. We have some "covenant rules" that prohibit you from putting up a silver chain-link fence. Also, you cannot have any fence go past the back of your house. By now, I am freaking out. I can see the property value falling faster than his mailbox post.

    Anyway, I get to work and at 9:01AM I call our builder. I explain the situation to him and he agrees to pay JD8 a visit before the concrete around the metal posts dries. Sure enough, I get home after work and the posts around the front of the house are laying on the street. Not exactly what I expected but at least they're out of the ground. Tragedy is averted for now.

    A few days later I realize he's not putting up chain-link but "chicken wire". Call # 2 to the builder. While talking on the phone, the builder starts referring to the neighbor in a less-than-amicable fashion – someone else on my side!

    By that afternoon, the fence is chain-link again. The top of the fence looks like a wave (he didn't want to spend the 6 bucks on a level), and the sides look like an S. Very crafty guy. Total estimated fence cost: $250.00 - but wait! -- He didn't set all the metal posts in concrete! Actual cost: $62.50. You get the idea here.


    All work and no play is cramping JD8’s lifestyle! It's time to get in shape. We wake up early on a Saturday morning to the sounds of a bouncing basketball. He's put a basketball goal about 15 feet from our bedroom window.

    Party number one

    It's Tuesday morning, about 2:00am. My wife and I wake up to what feels like a small tremor. It's JD8’s stereo, AKA the Bass Machine. All we hear is this bass rumble (it's making our bedroom windows rattle), and what sounds like a very poor male singer. Every song has the same monotone male singer. Well, amusement quickly turns to annoyance and anger. I decide to go ask them to turn it down.

    I knock on the door. Get ready for this image. The door opens, JD8 is holding a beer. There's a working disco ball hanging on their ceiling fan. There's a guy in the background standing in front of a big screen TV (holding a microphone). The words to George Michael's "Careless Whisper" slowly scroll to the music. You guessed it! It's a Karaoke Party!!! It takes all my strength to not laugh and remain "angry". I ask them to turn it down. The music stops for tonight.

    The Rock

    This has to do with another home improvement project. There's no way to describe this project. It is quite simple. He wants to put a rock in his flower bed. The weird part is how the rock is placed there. When I describe this to my friends at work, I call it the "one legged table". I know it's hard to picture it. To see it, click here.


    Party number two

    This party follows the pattern of the first party except I didn't feel the urge to laugh. The scenario is the same. It's a weeknight, it's about 1:00AM and the party is going strong. I decide to again go speak to JD8 about the problem. I knock on the door and soon realize that the music is so loud that they can't hear the doorbell or my knocking. It's very cold outside and I'm VERY angry by now. The only thing I can do is to wait for the song to end so I can pound on the door hard enough for them to hear me. As predicted, the song ends, I bang on the door and in a few seconds, JD8 is standing there, holding a beer, smiling at me. I explain my concerns to JD8 and he apologizes several hundred times. I shake my head and return home.

    Same night, but it's now 3:00am. The music is back and with authority. It wakes us up again and this time I'm ready to kill somebody. Instead, I call the police. The funny thing is that when the police officer arrives, JD8 can't hear the officer knocking on the door. By now, my wife and I are glued to the window hoping to see some police brutality (yeah it's bad). The officer proceeds to walk around the house shining his flashlight into the windows hoping to get a glimpse of what's happening inside.

    As the officer is walking back towards the front of the house, JD8 opens the door and sees the police car. He panics and slams the door shut. The officer sees the light shining on the front lawn and runs to the front door. The officer starts pounding on the door, and shouting. After about thirty seconds, the door opens and the cop goes inside the house. We can hear the officer screaming for them to turn the music off. Sweet!

    I meet the officer by his car and he tells me to call him back if I hear anything so he can take everyone to jail. It was beautiful.

    The Structure

    In case you have not noticed by now, JD8’s favorite hobby is to build things poorly. His next project is yet unnamed. All my friends call it the chicken coop. There are several theories as to what this building really is. The theories include: chicken coop, two-story deck, two-story chicken coop, work shop, shed, etc. It would be easier for you to see it than for me to describe it. Once thing is certain, it is HUGE. Unfortunately for JD8, I called the city and he has been asked by the fine folks at "code enforcement" to stop building whatever that is. He needs to get a building permit. Luckily for the neighborhood, that thing will not meet building code regardless of what it is.

    The lawn mower

    After living here about 8 months, JD8 decides to buy a lawn mower. Unfortunately for my wife and I, JD8 is too excited about his new purchase. He's so excited that he decides he needs to cut the lawn. The only problem is that once again, the entire neighborhood is asleep. It's midnight! This is the only time I curse at my neighbor but I do not know what else to do. He explains he is "testing" the lawn mower.






    Have a great weekend :)
  2. TO
    Man this is the funniest thing I,ve ever read on ET. Keep up the good work.

    I had a very noisy neighbor once and confronted them and called the police, etc. It was a big mistake. This crap went on for about 11 years.

    Well, one day I was down at ACE hardware looking around and I saw a bb gun. Now you would have thought that the name of the gun would be daisy or something like that. No, the name of the gun was "midnight avenger". That's when I got this idea.

    If another sonofabitch moves next to me and starts that stuff, I,m going over and try to be the very best friend to him that he ever had. When I gain his confidence and he begins to confide in me, I,m going to constantly shoot the windows out in his house, car etc. until he straightens up and starts acting like a human being, so help me god. I don't care about the consequences. I won't be victimized again.

    The law won't ever do anything to a bastard like that for disturbing the peace. He knows it and my own personal experience suggests that because you confronted him, the sadist will keep it up. He's probably laughing his ass off at you and if you take any action against him now , you will be the prime suspect.

    Never under estimate the good ole boys. They can be vicious and they don't give a shit. That's why the court house is full of them on trial days.

    If I were you, I would move.
  3. TigerO


    Thx, glad you liked that, just for a quick clarification though, I merely found that on the web, sorry if I gave the impression that I was the suffering neighbor.

    Have a great weekend