A little humour

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by flea, Jun 11, 2002.

  1. flea

    flea

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Court,
    and are things people actually said in court, word for
    word, taken down and now published by court reporters
    who had the torment of staying calm while these
    exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    ====
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    ====
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ====
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
    at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
    that you've forgotten?
    ====
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
    which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    ====
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    ====
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
    in voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    ====
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
    in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
    morning?
    ====
    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is
    he?
    ====
    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    ====
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
    8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    ====
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    ====
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ====
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    ====
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ====
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
    dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ====
    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
    did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    ====
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
    doing an autopsy.
    ====
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    ====
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
    and practicing law somewhere...
     
  2. Got a good laugh. Thanks, flea.
    :D
     
  3. Rigel

    Rigel

    That's funny.:p
     
  4. js1257

    js1257

    Put some more up. Those were good.
     
  5. Baron

    Baron ET Founder

    I love stuff like that :D
     
  6. js1257

    js1257

    We need a thread named comedy relief. Then there would be a place for fasterpussycats postings and not under journal.
     
  7. vinigar

    vinigar

    Here is one I heard along time ago.....it goes something like this:
    How do you know if your husband is a dedicated daytrader?
    When he jumps off a building to commit suicide, he makes $5000
    on the way down with his lap top.:D
     
  8. trdrmac

    trdrmac

    > 1. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
    >
    > 2. ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
    >
    > 3. ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    >
    > 4. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
    >
    > 5. ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
    >
    > 6. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    >
    > 7. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
    >
    > 8. ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
    >
    > 9. ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
    >
    > 10. ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
    >
    > ________________________________________________
    >
    >
    > EVER WONDER?
    >
    > 1. Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
    >
    > 2. Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    >
    > 3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
    >
    > 4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    >
    > 5. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    >
    > 6. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? [you looked didn't you?]
    >
    > 7. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
    >
    > 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    >
    > 9. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
    >
    > 10. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    >
    > 11. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
    >
    > 12. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    >
    > 13. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
    >
    > 14. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
    >
    > 15. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    >
    > 16. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
    >
    > 17. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
    >
    > 18. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
    >
    > ___________________________________________________
    >
    >
    > In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
    > stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
    >
    > 1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
    >
    > 2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
    >
    > 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
    >
    > 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
    >
    > 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
    >
    > 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
    > heating." (...and you thought????...)
    >
    > 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
    >
    > 8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
    >
    > 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
    >
    > 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
    >
    > 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
    >
    > 12. On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
    >
    > 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
    >
    > 14. On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
    >
    > 15. On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
     
  9. "Doc, I think my son has an STD," a man tells his urologist on the phone. "Luckily, the only woman he's screwed is our maid."

    "OK, don't be hard on him, he's just a kid," the medic soothes. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

    "But I've been screwing the maid too," the man continues. "And I got the same symptoms my son has."

    "Then come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replies the doctor.

    "Well," the man admits, "I think my wife has it too."

    "Oh, shit!!" the physician roars. "That means we've all got it!"
     
  10. horseman

    horseman

    why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway

    why do they have interstate highways in Hawaii

    why isn't phonics spelled the way it sounds
     
    #10     Jun 12, 2002