A big Thank You to our Iraq Allies

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by TigerO, May 25, 2004.

  1. TigerO


    "A big thank you to our allies

    Bombs may be raining on Downing Street, but the prime minister remains loyal to the end

    AL Kennedy
    Monday May 17, 2004
    The Guardian

    And tension remains high as the siege of Westminster continues. You will all will be aware that Downing Street, the reinforced lair of Britain's increasingly unpopular and unbalanced leader, has long been isolated behind razor wire and a defensive fence. Despite pleas that good sense should prevail, Blair's inflammatory declarations and referendum threats have continued unabated and this kind of evil nonsense is, of course, completely unacceptable in a mature democracy.

    No surprise, then, that it's now almost four weeks since the 1st Battalion, the Marine Regiment, moved in on behalf of the freedom-loving people of the UK to free them from a baby-maiming extremist and his fanatical supporters. Water and power supplies have been cut off between Banqueting House and Smith Square and the situation in Downing Street itself is described as "grim". A depleted uranium shell impact in the main staircase of No 10 has shattered many of the portraits of previous incumbents. The terracotta room is doubling as a makeshift dressing station, but medical assistance and supplies are in desperately short supply.

    US sniper teams established in vantage points on the towers of the Houses of Parliament have, thus far, neutralised a number of highly dangerous ambulances, countless suspicious pedestrians, three Big Issue sellers and a man photographing Westminster bridge. Unofficial sources also allege that a PPS was "taken out" while washing in Downing Street's ornamental pond - an entirely understandable mistake, since, as one trooper told a sympathetic press corps, "They don't wear a uniform. It's hard to tell the nationality of someone with a towel on his face." It is expected that the marksmen will remain, even after the full handover to the reconstituted Metropolitan Police Native Security Force, because - frankly - snipers can remain wherever they damn well want. Guided tours of Westminster by foreign nationals have been slightly curtailed.

    Taking advantage of a brief ceasefire, US missiles were able to complete a number of pacifying operations with characteristic, pin-point accuracy. The flooding of the London Aquarium, the destruction of Waterloo station, the Cenotaph, the Department of Transport, HMS Belfast and the upper half of Ponsonby Place were regrettable but necessary consequences of the fog of war. All other targets were entirely legitimate, as was the incineration of the National Theatre. To better serve a worried populace in this national emergency, British broadcasters have united to bring viewers 24-hour repeats of the Good Life, all of the Carry On films, the second world war in 3D and a new documentary series charting the ups and downs of 30-something swingers and transsexuals in Ipswich. As the commander of US and coalition forces reminded one and all so forcefully: "The stations that are showing Americans intentionally killing women and children are not legitimate news sources."

    Asked to comment on the current death toll, President Bush replied: "I am praying that our snipers, cluster bombs, shells, tanks, mercenaries and torturers will cause no loss of life. And there'll be no more of that shit with the nudity and the electrodes - not unless it's justificated."

    Accurate estimates of civilian casualties remain impossible to ascertain, particularly since "peace of mind" blockades mean that neither bodies nor the wounded can reach St Thomas's hospital. Internet blogs from within the siege area suggest that Westminster Abbey's College Green is being used as an improvised cemetery. The abbey itself, of course, shares the fate of Lambeth Palace - both are completely surrounded by tanks and multinational peace-keeping enterprises, including several freelance human resources experts trained under General Pinochet and a party of the same PR specialists who once represented Margaret Thatcher. As yet, these self-defence experts are unsure whether an all-out attack on these sacred sites would provoke a troublesome backlash from misguided clerics and a populace which has proved to be almost entirely delighted by the long-term presence of its charming and tactful liberators.

    Last night Mr Blair - contacted by cell phone - also had nothing but praise for the troops who have reduced his state dining room to a glowing shell filled with the stench of burning flesh. "I can only send my heartfelt support to the coalition forces. I think I speak for all of us here when I say that we welcome their cluster bombs, their re-branded napalm and their intermittent tracer fire. I only hope that the new Native Security Force will keep us pinned down with an equally withering onslaught once they have found their feet. And these scare stories about DU radioactivity have to stop - we'll only be contaminated for 4.5 billion years, that's no time at all in politics. So bless 'em all and remember, Jesus loves you."