'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING Wednesday March 19, 2003 By CHAD KULTGEN NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256! Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28. "We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider. "But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck. "The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources." The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs. "If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation. When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession. Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune. "It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment." In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS. All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft." However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands." Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002." Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments. http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html
I thought the Weekly News World report on Bigfoot was much more believable. Bigfoot Captures Sexy Camper For His Love Slave Friday March 14, 2003 YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wy. -- A gorgeous blonde camper claims she was kidnapped and held prisoner in a cave for two days by a love-starved male Bigfoot, but says the steamy ordeal was less than memorable -- because the lumbering man-beast was a dud as a stud! "You hear these stories about Sasquatch carrying off human females and doing God knows what to them, then you see that hairy chest, legs like tree-trunks, those huge, masculine hands and of course those famous feet and you think, 'Wow, this is going to be intense,' " says 24-year-old Kelli Braston of Cincinnati. "But the reality is a lot less glamorous. My Bigfoot's you-know-what was so tiny, you could barely see it under the fur. He had trouble getting aroused and when he finally did, the whole thing was over in like 2.5 seconds." The vacationing administrative assistant says she was camping with two female companions on the night of September 15 when the giant, ape-like creature raided the site and dragged her screaming from her sleeping bag. As the Bigfoot, who stood at least eight feet tall, carried her off over his shoulder, Kelli realized she was facing a fate worse than death. "I knew exactly what he had on his mind," she recalls. "He was grunting in this very deep, husky voice that sent shivers through my body and he had this strong, musky aroma that just said 'sex.' "I told myself I'd just close my eyes and whatever happened, happened." But when the Bigfoot got to his lair, Kelli found herself strangely disappointed. She recalls. "He climbed on top of me -- and ka-bam, it was all over." To add insult to injury, her hairy captor promptly fell asleep on top of her. "He was so heavy that I couldn't get him off," she says. "I think the Earth moved more from his snoring than from his lovemaking." The next night, the Bigfoot made a second attempt at lovemaking, but Kelli says it was no better than the first. "I actually laughed at his pathetic attempts. He was so humiliated, he went for a walk in the woods. I think he wanted to be alone." Brave Kelli took the opportunity to escape from the cave and made her way to a ranger station. Park rangers are skeptical of the story, but Bigfoot experts find it credible. "Human males are actually far more sexual than the lower primates," says famed British cryptozoologist Carl Maslin. "Even the robust mountain gorilla is poorly endowed and intercourse takes place in a flash. "It's not at all surprising that the Bigfoot, despite his macho reputation, is incapable of satisfying a healthy young human female." -- By MICHAEL FORSYTH
Much easier ways to make $350M without risk of getting caught if you truly know the future. But it was funny reading...
How come we didnt hear about him before? Any why isnt he the front page of all the newspapers... $800 to $350mil... is incredible.. --MIKE