https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-announces-plan-to-replace-usps-with-screaming-carrier-eagles "These eagles are beautiful. So patriotic. Best in the world. Maybe the universe even," Trump said. "The USPS is so old and poorly run. Total sham. Many presidents wouldn't have done this but I am. You don't have to say thank you." After a successful test flight in which an eagle took out one of Gretchen Whitmer's social distancing drones, administration officials have greenlit the use of eagles to deliver the mail. Independent studies suggest that mail delivered by eagle has a 23% chance of arriving at its destination, but a 100% chance of it being awesome if it does.