WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement today, President Biden confirmed he will be extending the pause on student loan repayment since we're all going to die of Omicron soon and nothing really matters now. "Listen folks, no joke, it's that simple. Not kiddin' around here. For real. Seriously now," said Biden to the nurse who was changing his catheter bag. "Let's just pause the student loans. Who cares? We're all gonna die this winter! Time to focus on what's important and say goodbye to our loved ones and family members, who are all about to overwhelm the hospitals and die! At this point, why not?"