Not sure how many of you still read novels and from novel genre especially (Science) fiction and from that subgenre especially parody SciFi / Fantasy. Here's an excerpt from a talented local source, I reckon if I make an effort in translating to English and change the name and places with something that resonates to other retarded but proud localized cultures, like an alternate future where "secessionist Mississippi actually became a state and being commander on a fright barge counted as 'river navy'" and substitute Orthodox Church Patriarch with 'local Baptist reverend' , the novel I'm giving you an excerpt could actually sell. So here it goes. =================== Ballgame 2400 =================== (Short note: the English title would be "Enterprise 2400" but translated to Romanian it becomes "ballgame". It's unclear which kind of balls.) Volume I – Rescue Mission >> Official log of comandor Aristide Butcheeklan, captain of the starship Ballgame. After a few weeks of post-launch maintenance in the orbit of the planet Jupiter where we were towed by the Sirius tow vessel, the exploration ship Ballgame, the first starship capable of warp speeds led by a 100% Romanian crew, left our solar system. It was a historical moment that proved once and for all that we, Romanians, are a serious and mighty people. We are finally in the process of joining the Interplanetary Federation and we are doing it at our own pace and with great pride. Our first official mission, in collaboration with the Federation, will take us 20,000 light-years from Romania, in the Perseus constellation, where we will collect telemetry data and measure exotic radiation emitted by the formation of a new black hole. Venerable Macarie, the priest of the crew, has asked us in the name of The Orthodox Church to make a short stop close to the black hole, to sanctify it. The Orthodox Patriarch would be immensely pleased to have a hallowed black hole. Personally, I wish that one day I will reach the circle of friends of the Patriarch, so I will do everything in my power to fulfill this holy mission. I consider the Patriarch my role model in life, and not only for the parties he throws and the style of clothing. >> Personal log of lieutenant-major Stelian Spatharios, first engineer on board. Fuck me, we actually took off! Three and a half weeks we circled Jupiter like idiots while I reconditioned the left engine, artificial gravity, emergency generator and reduced the flicker in the energy shield. I'm not saying we have a substandard spaceship. But bro, they bought it second hand from the Federation and paid 10 times it's real worth, I get it. Both the Federation and our government's wise guys need to make a good deal on it. But the maintenance contract, why the fuck did they also sign that? Coze a whole year apart from the fresh blue paint they haven't touched a single thing on the ship. I was expecting that contract to at least include some spare parts but no such luck. Duct tape and polymer filler, that's what we used to patch things up. Apparently there are rumors aboard the ship that we, the engineering crew, are a bunch of alcohoolists. Well, if they actually knew how much the ship's warp engine is only held together by duct tape and polymer filler, would they still be sober? They wouldn't, since they aren't retarded. They also changed our commander at the last moment, apparently the young one hasn't got a Romanian enough name and to add insult to injury he also studied abroad, MIT. It must not be possible for the Americans to claim afterwards that the mission was completed with any of their involvement. So they brought us one guy from brown-water navy whose whole experience was operating a barge on the Danube. Every time there's a problem in warp engine room he tells me that shouldn't be a big deal, it's probably very similar to his experience on the barge with some algae blocking the propeller.
s/Romanian/Mississippian/g Also name is totally lost in the US. A spatha-bearer was this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spatharios "The spatharii or spatharioi (singular: Latin: spatharius; Greek: σπαθάριος, literally "spatha-bearer") were a class of Late Roman imperial bodyguards"
So when you think kindly of the Spatha-bearers, realize they were highly aware mercenaries who wouldn't give a fuck given their salary that they were hired to protect this: