A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' ******************** A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!'' ******************** Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied. *********************** I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. ******************** My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. ******************
Not her time yet A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing her angel She asked, “Is my time up?” The angel answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately. She called over her angel and she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?” “I didn’t recognize you.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Four Sons Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!” The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.” The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.” The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer in a gay bar.” The other three men grew silent as he continued. “I’m not really thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well I Never!... A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady and her baby, and then screams, “Ahhhh! that’s the ugliest child I’ve ever seen in my life.” The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks her, “Are you OK, dear?” The lady replies, “I’m so angry, that bus driver just insulted me.” The man says, “you go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I’ll watch your monkey.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drummer vs Conductor A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra. he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.” A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Moving to Nevada A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing her suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you can live on $800 a year.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For the Sake of Decency During her annual checkup, The well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor,” she replied shyly, “I just can’t undress in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re through.” In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Key All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend: “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.” The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached, and surprisingly, it was the knight’s best friend. He yells to his buddy: “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.? Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' " Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." "All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"
A Texas farmer goes to Australia for vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.' Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those?' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'