Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Gabfly1, Dec 24, 2010.
This just in:
Son of a bitch....... my sisters kids are gonna be upset..... j/k merry christmas gabfly.
Thank you, and all the best to you and your family as well.
In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone all the best for Christmas, the New Year and whatever other holiday you may (or may not) be celebrating.
Well, in that case let's just make this the 'Christmas jokes' thread:
An Interview With the Nativity Innkeeper
Your name, please.
Retired. I was an innkeeper.
And in fact it was your inn where Jesus was born.
Thatâs right. Well, not in the inn itself. Out back.
In the animal shed.
Yeah. I still get a lot of flak for that.
How do you mean?
I mean that people still criticize me for not having room at the inn. They say to me, you couldnât give a pregnant woman a room? You couldnât give a room to the woman pregnant with the divine child? Couldnât even spare a broom closet for the Baby Jesus?
How do you respond to that?
I say, well, look. First off, it wasnât just me. If you go back youâll see that every inn was full.
Because of the census.
Census, schmensus. It was the foot races. Bethlehem versus Cana. Also there was a touring theater troupe from Greece. Only appearance in Judea. The city was packed. We had reservations for months.
But Mary was pregnant.
I had three pregnant ladies at the inn that night. One was giving birth when Joe and Mary showed up. She was down the hall, screaming at the top of her lungs, cursing like you wouldnât believe. Her husband tried to encourage her to push and she kicked him in the groin. Think about that. Sheâs crowning a baby, and she takes the time to put her foot into her husbandâs testicles. So maybe youâll understand why even if I had a room, I wouldnât be in a rush to give it up to those two.
But you ended up letting them go out to the animal shed.
That was an accident.
Joe comes in and asks for a room, and I tell him weâre all out of rooms and have been for months. Foot races. Theater groupies. And such. And he says, come on, please. Iâve got a pregnant lady with me. And I say, you hear that down the hall? Iâm full up with pregnant ladies. And he says, this baby is important. And I say, hey, buddy, I donât care if heâs the Son of God, I donât have any rooms.
So thereâs some irony there.
I guess so. And then he says, look, weâll take anything. And so I say, as a joke, all right, you can go and sleep with animals if you like. And he says fine and slaps some money on the counter.
He called your bluff.
Yeah. And I say, I was kidding about that. And he says, and my wifeâs water just broke in your lobby. What could I do? I pointed him in the direction of the animals.
Itâs better than having the baby in the street.
I suppose so, but you know, if the reason they were in Bethlehem was because of the census, then he had family in the area, right? Itâs his ancestral home and all that. He canât say to a cousin, hey, give us a couch? There are some family dynamics going on there that have been conveniently left unexamined, if you ask me.
Joseph had a lot on his mind.
So the baby is born, and they place him in the manger.
Which, by the way, I told them not to do.
Because how unsanitary is that? Do you know what a manger is?
As far as I know, itâs the place you put infant messiahs.
Itâs a food trough for animals.
âOh, interestingâ is right. Let me ask you. So your baby is born, and the first thing you do is put him in an open container filled with grain and covered in oxen drool? Does this seem reasonable to you?
You did have them out with the animals. Their options were limited.
I rented cribs. I asked Joseph, do you want a crib. And he said, no, weâre fine, and then sets the kid in the food box. And I say to him, youâre new at this, arenât you.
In his defense, he was.
And then someone says, look, the animals, they are adoring the baby. And I say, adoring, hell. Theyâre wondering why thereâs a baby in their food.
On the other hand, the image of the Baby Jesus in the manger is a classic one.
Yeah, I mention that when people get on my case about not giving Joe and Mary a room. I tell them that having a Christmas carol called âAway in a Hotel Roomâ doesnât have quite the same ring to it. They never have anything to say to that.
Itâs said that a star appeared on the night when Jesus was born. Did you see it?
No. I was too busy trying to convince Joseph to rent a crib.
Itâs said it was bright enough to lead the Three Wise Men to your inn.
Well, three men showed up at the inn. I donât know how wise they were.
How do you mean?
The baby is born, right? And then these guys show up. And they say, we have brought gifts for the child. And I say, thatâs nice, what did you bring. And they say, we have brought gold and frankincense and myrrh. And I say, youâve got to be kidding.
Whatâs wrong with that?
Let me quote another Christmas song for you. âA child, a child, shivers in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold.â Really? Silver and gold? And not, oh, I donât know, a blanket? An newborn infant is exhibiting signs of possible hypothermia and your response is to give him cold metal objects? Who ever wrote that song needs a smack upside the head.
Youâre saying the gifts were inappropriate.
Whatâs wrong with diapers? A nice jumper or two? A Baby Bjorn? They were riding around on a donkey, you know. A Baby Bjorn would have come in handy. Have you ever in your life gone to a baby shower where someone says, congratulations on the baby, hereâs some perfume. No. Because most people have some sense.
I think the idea is that all the gifts were fit for a king.
Yes, a king who first pooped in my animalsâ manger. I would have appreciated a gift of diapers.
And another thing, they brought all these expensive gifts, but do you ever hear about Joe and Mary and Jesus being anything but poor? Or at the very most working class?
Now that you mention it, no.
Exactly. I think what happened is these three guys show up and they say, here are all these expensive gifts we got your baby. Oh and by the way, we happen to know King Herod thinks your babyâs a threat and plans to kill every kid younger than two years of age just to be sure, so you better go. Egyptâs nice this time of year. What? Youâre traveling by donkey? Well, then you canât take all these nice gifts with you. Weâll just hold on to them for now, write us a letter when you get settled and weâll mail them. And then they never do.
I donât think thereâs scriptural support for that theory.
Iâm not saying I have any evidence. All Iâm saying is that it makes sense.
After the Three Wise Men, were there other visitors?
Yeah. It got a little crowded. The animal sheds arenât designed for a large amount of foot traffic. And then that kid showed up with a drum, and I said, all right, fine, weâre done.
The song of that incident suggests the drum went over well.
Let me ask you. Youâre a parent, your child has just been born, heâs tired, youâre tired, people wonât leave you alone, and then some delinquent comes by and unloads a snare solo in your babyâs ear. Does this go over well?
Probably not, no.
There you go.
After the birth, did your inn benefit from the notoriety?
Not really. Jesus kind of slipped off everyoneâs radar, for, what? Thirty years? Thirty-five?
Something like that.
Right. So there wasnât much benefit there. I got some mileage out of telling the story about the crazy couple who rented my animal shed, and the visitors, and the drumming, but I mostly told it to friends. Then just as Iâm about to retire someone tells me of this hippie preacher in Jerusalem who got in trouble with the Romans. And I say, hey, I think I know that guy. I think he got born in my shed. And then, well. You know what the Romans did to him.
Romans, feh. Then I sold the inn to my nephew and retired to Joppa. By the time Jesus became really famous I was out of the game. And then my nephew sold the inn and they put that church there.
The Church of the Nativity.
I have, yes.
Itâs nice. I liked the inn better, of course.
Looking back, would you have done anything differently?
I would have comped Joseph the crib.
That still would have changed the Christmas carol.
I know. But, look. You didnât have to wash out that manger.
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