Best Exercise Program A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he! thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years". The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0810051bandp1.html be sure to click on 'according to the affidavit' link in story
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it . Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me"............... How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
There was a man from a foreign land who set off on a quest (he'd planned it) Passed many leagues on frozen seas and on the Arctic ice was stranded He cast about with many a shout for aid to come and find him But all he did was disturb the ear of the Polar Bear that devoured him
A jesus freak (Ned Flanders type) decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park one day. As he is humming some gospel songs through the woods, he walks upon a family of grizzly bears. The bears immediately began to snarl at him and begin to charge. He runs for his life as fast as he can, but the bears are closing in on him. He can feel their hot breath on his back with each terrible growl....when suddenly he trips on a twig and falls right down in his face. The bears slowly surround him and are about to eat him when he cries out..." Lord, turn these beasts into christians!!" Suddenly all went quite....he couldn't hear the growling anymore, slowly peaking up at the bears, he is stunned to see all 3 bears in a perfect circle around him in silence....with their heads bowed down and palms together...and then the largest bear speaks out....." Lord, we thank you for the meal we are about to receive"
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-Man elite Fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North & South Carolina, Kentucky, Virginia,West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Southern Ohio, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and will have been given only the following facts about the Terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, Jack Daniels, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. This mess in Iraq should be over in a week.
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. âNot yet,â said the little boy. His mother tells him he canât have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, heâs a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. âHow come I donât get any eggs and bacon? Why donât I have any milk in my cereal?â he asks. âWell,â his mother says, âI saw you kick a chicken, so you donât get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you donât get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you arenât getting any milk this morning.â Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as heâs walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, âAre you going to tell him, or should I?â :eek: