The Last Straw There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that!" says the little man. "Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison straight out of my glass..."
POLISH DIVORCE A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It made of concrete." LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations still in Poland." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player." LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "No, I always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "No, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof. LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
I'm Choking On A Kalamata Olive, Not Your Everyday Olive (from The Onion) Oh, my. This is superb. Superb, indeed. My Greek grocer Kostas told me he had a surprise for me, and he certainly did: These are quite simply the finest kalamata olives I've ever tasted. Absolutely delightful. Certainly not your ordinary olive. It's a privilege, really, just to be choking on one, as I am right now. Ahh... yes. No need to panic just yet. My trachea is savoring the tang, the richness. This was hand-picked, I can tell. Yes, I can sense that its skin wasn't broken by a rough fall from a tree. I'm very sensitive to qualities like that. What a pity it would be if someone were present to end this culinary epiphany by unblocking my windpipe. Few outside of Greece experience an olive-choking this rapturous. Mmm... Do I detect a splash of red-wine vinegar? Excellent, excellent. A shame to squeeze them into jars of acrid brine. Best to store these singular creatures in a gently seasoned marinade. And why muddle them in a tapenade, really? Enjoy them unadulterated and unpitted, I say. Relish their simple, onyx-like beauty. One of Olympus' greatest gifts to mortals, the kalamata olive. Be aware of the risks of enjoying them whole, however! My goodness, it's lodged in there quite tightly. Ahh. Mmm, yes. Unmistakably from the Kalamata region of Greece. The pick of his cousin's grove, Kostas informed me, bless his heart. The crop seems unaffected by the spring windstorms of '04. Succulent. Powerful, but not overpowering. Perhaps the squalls blowing in from the Ionian Sea lightly salted the olive grove and its chalky soil! I kid, of course. By now, I'm sure you're all very anxious about my present condition. I shall alert the paramedics in short order, I assure you. Let me just savor these flavors a moment longer. Delectable? Ravishing? Understatements. Adjectives do not do this olive justice. Yes, leave your everyday olives to the sticky, flyspecked countertops of open-air bars. Well, this is an all-new culinary experience. I am literally dying! Absurd to think that for so many years I knew only those wan, vacuum-packed specimens of the pimento-stuffed canapés and dutifully garnished martinis of my own mother's patio partiesâsuch farcical affairs. Jackie O and Lilly Pulitzer never did show up, sadly, but we were always left with enough tins of Underwood deviled ham to supply a score of sack lunches. Reality has such a way of being so tiresomely opprobrious. Ah well. Poor mother, she tried her best. No matter, I suppose. This presents quite a wrinkle. I've dialed 911, but as I attempt to speak, no sound issues forth. Bah! Indulge your cravings for gauche heroics elsewhere, I beseech you. "Acclaimed Food Writer Saved By Fast-Thinking Lout" will not appear in tomorrow's papers. My goodness. Having just caught a glimpse of myself in the alcove mirror, I realize that a degree of alarm is in order. I am turning blue. It's my own fault, you know, scarfing these delicious olives down like Allsorts. But I still firmly maintain, even as all grows shrouded and dim, that a kalamata olive is best savored whole, solid, and quick. Sweet Athena, this may be the end. But what a glorious way to go!
FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit! Amen
1. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, don't bake me no more birthday cake.
Corporate Life #24 - The Real Math From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100% of effort dedicated to our career? What does it mean to give MORE than 100% to our employer? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% at the office? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100% to tis or that project. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in our working life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K becomes 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E becomes 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E becomes 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T becomes 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far this time honored tradition will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G becomes 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top. No question about it, right?
Getting the most out of Pfizer's Genius: A man walked into the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That is too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The man said, "Oh, I am sixty-two years old and I don't even think about sex anymore --- I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND; He said .. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . .You wear pants don't you? He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said .. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said .. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said .. .. We don't know; it has never happened. He said .. . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Today's Sex Education John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son, Billy, in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. Billy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike " "The Coopers are having sex." Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Well, Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too!"
Source of Funds: A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While reroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in the arms of another man. The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head. His wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."