A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says. "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says,"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year. The guy says "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says "Yeah, well, you started it."
Corporate Life #23 A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen, Joe," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "Thank you Joe, I appreciate your help. I just need one copy, real fast..."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Why Arabs prefer Jewish Nursing Homes --------------------------------------------------- An Arab-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they ended up putting him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place or you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin 20 in years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Arab!"
Physical Therapy Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. A couple of minutes later, she asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, please keep doing it, but my thumb still hurts like hell!!"
Another French-American Debacle An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the States." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread?" American: "Of course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the States." After a moment of silence, the American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk. American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."