Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by dgabriel, Oct 14, 2002.

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  1. Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
    she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,‘Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a
    hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

    She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and
    says, ‘How much? She says, ‘A hundred dollars. ‘He says ‘Shit. All
    I've got is thirty. She says, ‘Hold on.’ She runs back to Harry
    and says,’ What can he get for thirty dollars?’ Harry says, ‘A hand job’.

    She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty
    dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

    She stares at it for a minute, and then says, ‘I'll be right back.’She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, ‘Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?’.
     
    #2281     Jul 18, 2005
  2. A man planning to have a tryst with his lover calls his wife at
    home. ‘Honey, I need you to get my tackle box and an overnite bag
    ready, and leave them in the hall for me. When I get home tonite, I
    am heading out on a little fishing trip with the guys. Oh, and can
    you make sure that you pack my new blue pajamas for me?’ His wife
    agrees, and when he arrives home, his bag and tackle box are ready to
    go. He kisses his wife, and heads out on a romantic weekend getaway
    with his blonde lover.

    On Sunday, he returns home, and his wife smiles, and asks, ‘How was
    fishing?’

    ‘Oh, we had a great time,’ he answered. ‘Except that you forgot to
    pack my new blue pajamas like I asked.’

    ‘No I didn't.’ she said, without smiling. ‘They're in your tackle
    box.’

    ---

    GOTCHA!
     
    #2282     Jul 18, 2005
  3. Bubble

    Bubble

    One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
    She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

    We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
    We didn't know what to call her, so we just named her "Pussycat."

    The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
    He said would let us know when we could come and get her.
    My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

    My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O."
    They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband thinking he was getting in the last word on this occasion.

    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him.
    A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

    He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
    wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"And he closed the door.

    Now THAT, my friends, is "GETTIN' EVEN"!
     
    #2283     Jul 18, 2005
  4. An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    ======================

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

    Love, Dad


    ======================

    A few days later he received a letter from his son:

    Dear Dad,

    Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

    Love, Vinnie


    ======================

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day, the old man received another letter from his son:

    Dear Dad,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love, Vinnie
     
    #2285     Jul 19, 2005
  5. Bubble

    Bubble

    A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
    discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes
    the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

    Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the
    Coliseum."

    The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced
    mathematics."

    The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the
    Roman Empire."

    And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he
    thinks will end the discussion.

    With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

    The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians
    who introduced it to women!"


    :eek:
     
    #2286     Jul 19, 2005
  6. Yannis

    Yannis

    Need Computer Help?

    IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB ABOUT COMPUTERS, READ THIS, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

    Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

    4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened."
    The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

    8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

    9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in... " The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

    10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
    CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
    CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
    At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

    11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

    12. And last but not least:
    TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
    TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
    CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
    TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
    CUSTOMER: "NO WAY man - I'm not going to do THAT!!!"

    :) :) :)
     
    #2287     Jul 19, 2005
  7. The Lawyer

    A lawyer went pheasant hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and dropped a
    bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.



    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
    tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The lawyer responded,

    "I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
    over here."



    The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in
    the country and, if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you and
    take everything you own."



    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
    settle disputes in these parts of South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "East River Three Kick Rule"


    The lawyer asked, "What's that?"



    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
    first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
    back and forth until someone gives up."



    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
    that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.



    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.



    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
    The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh heap of cow manure.



    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and his pride and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said
    "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."




    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the pheasant."
     
    #2288     Jul 20, 2005
  8. A Fairy Tale.

    Once upon a time,
    in a land far away,
    a beautiful, independent,
    self-assured princess
    happened upon a frog as she sat,
    contemplating ecological issues
    on the shores of an unpolluted pond
    in a verdant meadow near her castle.
    The frog hopped into the princess' lap
    and said: Elegant Lady,
    I was once a handsome prince,
    Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
    One kiss from you, however,
    and I will turn back
    into the dapper, young prince that I am
    and then, my sweet, we can marry
    and set up housekeeping in your castle
    with my mother,
    where you can prepare my meals,
    clean my clothes, bear my children,
    and forever
    feel grateful and happy doing so.


    ~~~~~~~~


    That night,


    ~~~~~~~~


    as the princess dined sumptuously


    ~~~~~~~~


    on lightly sautéed frog legs


    ~~~~~~~~


    seasoned in a white wine


    ~~~~~~~


    and onion cream sauce,


    ~~~~~~~~


    she chuckled and thought to herself:


    ~~~~~~~~


    I don't fucking think so.
     
    #2289     Jul 20, 2005
  9. Bubble

    Bubble

    A guy walks into the psychologist's office wearing only shorts made from Saran wrap. The psychologist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
     
    #2290     Jul 20, 2005
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