Jokes 2

BBC News "PM's growth agenda at EU summit."

Cameron has stated: "My wife wants it at least two inches longer."

 

My son was just about to walk into church, I turned to him and said, "Can I give you the same piece of advice my father gave to me on my wedding day?"

He said, "Of course you can, dad, go ahead."

"Don't do it, you're a fucking idiot."

 

I went to a ballgame last night.

I wondered why the basketball kept getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

 

Well, it's official, I just tried on my first magnum condom...

it looked like a tube sock hangin off a door knob.

 

Funny story found on net:

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND
Posted on February 1, 2012 by postroad | Comments Off

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

> 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed ‘OHNO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

 

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/UddFQUIREaE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

Down at the San Jose fire station there are 2 Mexican brothers Hose A and Hose B

 

On a Flight Ready to Depart for Detroit

Jack was sitting when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They have a lot of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business and enroll your kids in a nice p rivate school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the World."

The guy finally relaxed and said, "Thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck. Why?"