Britain Repossessing The Usa

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by insider trading, Jul 20, 2008.

  1. A Message from John Cleese

    To the citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of
    the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
    revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
    all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does
    not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
    without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are
    introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
    'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
    half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
    levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
    "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

    There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
    behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
    reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your
    original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not adult enough to be independent.

    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
    things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
    grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
    dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
    carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
    own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
    driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
    of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
    properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
    dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
    and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
    Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
    the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
    They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
    guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Adie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
    Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
    with a cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
    wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby --
    the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
    America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
    borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
    let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector) will
    be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to
    1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in
    the USA , in line with the policy: "No representation without taxation".

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers
    (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
    strawberries in season.

    18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be searching
    Boston first.

    God save the Queen.
  2. :D
  3. Hmm, let me get that straight, the only things the Brits have to offer are:
    longer words, warm beer, $10 per gallon gas, european (not even british) cars and football (i.e. soccer) in which teams of Africans and South Americans bought by American and Russian jewish billionaires play against each other while real brits drink warm beer and beat the crap out of each other.

    The declaration does not mention it but of course Americans will also have the <del>honor</del> honour of serving in the Royal Navy side by side with heroic british sailors:

    If that's all Britain has to offer - no wonder we fought for our independence.
  4. :D:D:D