http://men.style.com/gq/features/full?id=content_4268&pageNum=1 THE ELEPHANT IN THE BEDROOM Ten (and a half) reasons why Republicansâyes, Republicansâare the best party in bed By Anonymous Yeah, yeah, yeah, youâd think Democrats would be better in the sack, because theyâre usually, wellâ¦better human beings in general. Plus, theyâre so em-oh-tional and sen-sitive and they genuinely care about your day. And how you feel. And how you felt yesterday. âIs there anything you need?â they whimper. Oh, shutthefuckup! This is sex weâre talking about! After numerous years of intensive research on both sides of the aisleâand sometimes in the aisleâI am here to report that Republican men (except the closet cases) are inﬁnitely better to have sex with. Hereâs why. 1. NO CONSCIENCE! A Republican man will never whine in the middle of the nightâlet alone in the middle of screwing youâabout the girlfriend/wife/whatever he is âdevastatingâ by sleeping with you. He just does it. Itâs all about himâhe needs to be the best you ever had, and that can be a good thing if your getting off is contingent on his. He doesnât even stay for breakfast. (Though if you do make him breakfast, he is eternally grateful and will go down on you for another several hours.) One word: pancakes! 2. NO TEARS! A Republican man will never, ever cry. Not on election night (no matter what happens). Not when youâre breaking up with him (what, you think he cared?). Not even when heâs having âa problem Iâve never had before, really, Iâm not kidding, I swear.â 3. A SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE Iâve dated Democrats whose nights have been ruined (forever!) due to some stupid-ass comment by Bill Frist on Hardball. Iâve watched them go all mopey, argue with the TVâ¦and then their little weenies disappear. Not so with GOPers. Republicans, particularly when naked, do not want to sit around and talk about Social Security privatization. Or Iraq, for chrissake. Or why (oh, boo hoo, get over it!) Kerry lost. They donât even want to sit around naked and talk about George W. Bush. They just want you to sit on them. 4. A SENSE OF HUMOR Republicans are happy to watch Jon Stewart with you. They think heâs a riot. They donât parse every word he says in an effort to ﬁgure out if âThe Huffington Postâ will approve. They just laugh, pour another cocktail, and decide upon which couch they will fuck your brains out after the show. 5. FOREPLAY Democrats often need something incredibly eroticâlike Meet the Pressâto get revved up, particularly on a Sunday morning (there are only so many sections of The New York Times). Republicans, on the other hand, donât even need Fox News to get it up. They understand that foreplay is about sex. And lots of it. Democrats are too busy checking if the condoms you keep in the jar by the bed are good for the environment. And by the time they ﬁgure that out, weâve all lost our erections. 6. SIZE It is absolutely, positively, 100 percent true that Republicans have bigger dicks. Just ask Lynne Cheney. (Dick is the Liam Neeson of Washington!) 7. EFFICIENCY Republicans are much more likely to whip their dicks out during the cab ride back from dinner. (This is not an urban myth.) They are also more inclined to get started in the elevator, pin you against a wall, do you on the kitchen sink, wherever. Democrats bring jammies, spend at least twenty minutes prior to âsex timeâ doing God knows fucking what in the bathroom, and then emerge with a big grin that says: âAfter all I did for you supporting equal pay and abortion rights, the least you could do is make love to me.â Democrats always think you owe them. Republicans, because theyâve never done a goddamn thing for you, have no such delusions. 8. LARGESSE Republicans have great taste in restaurants and will never make the wussiest of pre-date proposals: âYou pick.â They understand that a woman wants a guy who knows how to pick a restaurant by himself. And who doesnât feel the need to tell you what Zagat said about it before you get there. A Republican also knows how to order wine without getting all prissy about it, never dissects the bill (they donât even look at it!), and will never, everâeverâsay, âWell, yes, I think thatâs fair; your half comes to $39.25, but you had one more drink than I did,â if you offer to pay. They wonât let you think about offering to pay. This is so sexy! The best part: Thereâs never any guilt involved; we all know they got their tax break. 9. WOOING TECHNIQUES Republicans will never send you group e-mails that consist of the entire text of Al Goreâs last speech (that was âwoefully underreportedâ but âI knew youâd want to read it in its entiretyâ). Or the sign-up sheet for Democracy in Action, or whatever the hell those weirdos from the Howard Dean campaign are up to now. Or forms to send your congressperson because something terrible is happening to some woman you donât know in Niger. (And youâd better send it to a hundred more friends or her labia will be removed tonight!!!) Nah. Republicans send e-mails that say: âI canât wait to eat your pussy.â 10. NIGHTSTAND READING You will never hear a Republican say, âLetâs just cuddle and read The New Yorker tonight.â They understand you do not want reading materials in bed. You want a man. 10.5. THE BIG CAVEAT Yes, Republicans are the better layâbut only the Republicans youâve never heard of. The more prominent they are, the less fuckable they are. The opposite is true of Democrats. Think about it. Is there any woman on the face of the earth who wouldnât fuck Bill Clinton? (Didnât think so.) But with a gun to your head, could you even think of doing Santorum? DeLay? Lott? Yuck, yuck, yuck! Okay, with a gun to our head, we might do W. And Cheney. Deﬁnitely Cheney. As long as weâre blindfolded. (But thatâs okay. Republicans are into that, too.) *The author wishes to remain anonymous for fear of cutting off her supply.