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gwb-trading
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 1664 |
05-07-07 03:25 PM
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet....
Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire
forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire
savannah is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire
planet wets itself."
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gwb-trading
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 1664 |
05-07-07 03:33 PM
New Regulations in the New Jersey Division of Motor Vehicle's 2007 Handbook
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or DE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
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gwb-trading
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 1664 |
05-07-07 03:49 PM
Prison vs. Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON.........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
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Yannis
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 5287 |
05-08-07 12:45 AM
It's A Jungle Out There!
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant, opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? These guys are all so much full of shit!"
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flytiger
Registered: May 2005
Posts: 6140 |
05-08-07 01:14 AM
Quote from TL Trader:
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked
if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom you still awake?"
I'm cryin' over that one. How did somebody this perverted get to be a moderator....Oh yeah, it's ET!!
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?
>
>
> California became a state. The state had no electricity. The state
> had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in
> the streets. So basically it was just like California is today,
> except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
>
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gwb-trading
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 1664 |
05-08-07 02:17 AM
Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what
management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad
job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather
come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they
are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12.Employees work later since there's no longer a need
to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on
their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no
longer be seen as "gross."
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