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nutmeg
Registered: Jan 2007
Posts: 18231 |
05-19-07 03:55 AM
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavored ice cream please."
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!"
The assistant replies,..........
(I forgot the rest)
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nutmeg
Registered: Jan 2007
Posts: 18231 |
05-19-07 04:34 AM
A blind guy walks to a curb and his guide dog is run over, a few minutes later he says "Traffic must be bad, we've been here a long time!".
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Yannis
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 5287 |
05-20-07 02:33 AM
The Monks' Secret
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover thesource of that haunting and seductive sound...
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk
:-)
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Lucrum
Registered: Dec 2003
Posts: 31467 |
05-20-07 07:24 PM
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot
tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and
blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it
toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the
full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but
in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball
within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.
His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a
bunker.
Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and
holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole
and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and
calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we
can do better on the next hole."
To which she replied, "Listen jerk, don't bitch at me, only 2 of
those 5 shots were mine."
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Yannis
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 5287 |
05-22-07 07:11 PM
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enou gh time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And my favorite one:
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!
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