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Yannis
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 5293 |
05-18-07 03:40 PM
New York Restaurant
Customer: Waiter, do you serve pigs?
Waiter: Please sit down Sir and wait your turn, we serve everyone!
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Yannis
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 5293 |
05-18-07 03:43 PM
Those Brits Again
Lady: Sir, Is this my train?
Station Master: No Madam, it belongs to the London Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny, Sir. I meant to ask if I can take this train to Liverpool...
Station Master: Again, no Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy!
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Tech Analysis
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 1943 |
05-18-07 08:31 PM
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake penis at her making the woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your penis and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Take a piss and aim for one of the drain holes.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
the whole time.
Admire penis size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake penis at her and make the woo-
woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
this, there is something so very wrong with you.
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Tech Analysis
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 1943 |
05-18-07 10:13 PM
- Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Avoid cliches like the plague.
- Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- Be more or less specific.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
- Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- No sentence fragments.
- Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.
- One should NEVER generalize.
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be ignored.
- Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- Kill all exclamation points!!!
- Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Understatement is always the absolute best way
to put forth earth shaking ideas.
- Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said,
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
- Puns are for children, not groan readers.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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