ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA? ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING? REALLY? ONE Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour) TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register andplaced it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left) THREE A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they keptasking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!) FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!! FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from thephotocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. A Brunette, by the way!! SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!' Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true... Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80! 1.Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3.No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4.People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7.Things you buy now won't wear out. 8.You can eat supper at 5 PM. 9.You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 11. You can't remember who sent you this list. 12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. And remember, Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
AN OLDIE, BUT GOODIE.... 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR. 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM? 15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute... alge-bra ) 23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? 34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Polack buys a chain saw He goes into a hardware store and buys one that should cut 3 cords of wood. First day. Half cord. Second day. Half cord. Third day the same. He brings it back and asks what's wrong. The clerk says let's see. He pulls the cord, it starts up. The Polack jumps back and says, "What the fuck is that noise?"
The pastor's ass... The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
Car Accident A North Bay couple were treated for minor injuries at the local hospital emergency aftertheir Smart Car hit a squirrel on Highway 69. Witnesses say the squirrel fled the scene. -- R. Don Schneider
The Christmas Present A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing!!..
HARD TIMES AHEAD. This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that, if we continue meddling in Syria, Iran, Pakistan and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents. It's gonna get ugly.
This is a REAL story! There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking. The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!" Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!" Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst. They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"