Halloween A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so He writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief Will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes By and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co
Donald Trump Meets the Queen A private Leer jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting 1934 Bentley limousine which drives him to the edge of central London for a warm and dignified reception with the Queen. From there, they are driven in a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
> The Return of Little Johnny. > > > > The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. > > > > Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, > > and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." > > > > The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word > > 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating'." > > > > Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I > > was fascinated." > > > > The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use > > the word 'fascinate'." > > > > Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had > > been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no > > way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. > > > > Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her > > tits are so big she can only fasten eight!" > > > > The teacher sat down and cried
I was worried about vandalism because of my political convictions. So, I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay) and put it in the center of the yard. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.