Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. gwb-trading

    gwb-trading

    [​IMG]
     
    #13111     Jul 21, 2015
    Yannis and trader482 like this.
  2. Yannis

    Yannis

    Unemployment Humor

    COSTELLO : I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

    ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 5.6%.

    COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

    ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.

    COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.

    ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.

    COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.

    ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.

    COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed.

    ABBOTT: No, that’s 5.6%.

    COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

    ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.

    COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

    ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

    COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

    ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

    COSTELLO: What point?

    ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

    COSTELLO: To whom?

    ABBOTT: The unemployed.

    COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

    ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

    COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

    ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

    COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?

    ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.

    COSTELLO : Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

    ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

    COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

    ABBOTT: Correct.

    COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

    ABBOTT: Bingo.

    COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

    ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an Economist.

    COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the heck I just said!

    ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Politician.

    :):):)
     
    #13112     Jul 22, 2015
    JWS11, Humpy and Alpha Trader like this.
  3. Handle123

    Handle123

    TEN REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT BY LETTERMAN

    #10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry
    whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

    #9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4%
    on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same
    gallon at 15% isn't.

    #8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a
    better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

    #7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as
    nobody is offended by it.

    #6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun,
    and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from
    murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service
    that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a
    home invasion.

    #5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of
    babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive
    and comfy.

    #4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to
    free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we
    should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

    #3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be
    allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and
    give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the
    Democrat Party sees fit.

    #2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite
    the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never
    get their agendas past the voters.

    … And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's
    better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not
    drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher,
    or fish here in America.

    We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other
    countries.

    "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its
    limits"… Albert Einstein
    ****************************
    I know you all will appreciate this definition. The best description
    of Obamacare so far….

    Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:"You have to pass it to know what is in it"

    A PHYSICIAN CALLED INTO A RADIO SHOW AND SAID:

    "THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF A STOOL SAMPLE."
     
    #13113     Jul 22, 2015
    traderob likes this.
  4. Handle123

    Handle123

    FOOD FOR THOUGHT! - IN THREE PARTS:
    Part I:
    A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
    B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
    C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
    D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
    I love it when a plan comes together; don’t you?


    Part II: 10 Poorest City, State, % of People Below the Poverty Level in America (How did it happen?)
    1. Detroit, MI 32.5%
    2. Buffalo, NY 29.9%
    3. Cincinnati, OH
    27.8%
    4. Cleveland, OH
    27.0%
    5. Miami, FL 26.9%
    5. St. Louis, MO
    26.8%
    7. El Paso, TX 26.4%
    8. Milwaukee, WI
    26.2%
    9. Philadelphia, PA 25.1%
    10. Newark, NJ 24.2%
    What do the top ten cities (over 250,000 pop.) with the highest poverty rate all have in common?
    Detroit, MI
    - (1st on the poverty rate list) hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1961
    Buffalo, NY
    - (2nd) hasn't elected one since 1954
    Cincinnati, OH - (3rd) not since 1984
    Cleveland, OH - (4th) not since 1989
    Miami, FL
    - (5th) has never had a Republican mayor
    St. Louis, MO - (6th) not since 1949
    El Paso, TX - (7th) has never had a Republican mayor
    Milwaukee, WI - (8th) not since 1908
    Philadelphia, PA -(9th) not since 1952
    Newark, NJ - (10th) not since 1907
    It is the poor who habitually elect Democrats... yet they are still POOR.
    Einstein once said, 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'


    Part III:
    "You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
    You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
    You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
    You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
    You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
    You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
    You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

    ~Abraham Lincoln
    "Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him had better take a closer look at the American Indian
    ."
    ~Henry Ford
     
    #13114     Jul 23, 2015
    Yannis and FCXoptions like this.
  5. Handle123

    Handle123

    So you want to go fishing?

     
    #13115     Jul 24, 2015
    Yannis likes this.
  6. Handle123

    Handle123

    #13116     Jul 25, 2015
  7. baro-san

    baro-san

    Whom do you think they vote for ... ?
     
    #13117     Jul 26, 2015
  8. Yannis

    Yannis

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 62 Africans from various regions of that continent...... walk into a fine restaurant.

    "I'm sorry," says the Maître D', after scrutinizing the group...

    "You can't come in here without a Thai."

    :):):)
     
    #13118     Jul 27, 2015
  9. Handle123

    Handle123

    Nature's way of weeding out

    the dumb ones.


    Fishing

    with a hand grenade.


    1..

    Pull the pin.
    2..

    Throw it far from the boat.


    3..

    Net the stunned and dead fish.


    These

    guys forgot step 2.


    I

    could watch it for hours....



    Click

    on photo
    [​IMG]
     
    #13119     Jul 27, 2015
  10. Yannis

    Yannis

    Please clarify step 2: throw which one far from the boat, the grenade or the pin? :)
     
    #13120     Jul 27, 2015