Hello, "You have reached the 'Men's Help Line', my name is Bob. How can I help you?" "Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
Let's all take a second and thank Randy Quaid and Will Smith for their heroic actions on this day in 1996. #independenceday
Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. And MY Personal Favorite : WRINKLES: Something other people have... Similar to my character lines.
My Kind of Teacher This one is dedicated to all my friends who ever taught school or served their country. A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back. Therefore, he was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest…!!!!! There was dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year...
Technology I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.... “This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this. That stupid fly never knew what hit him...
Today, a friend's wife said to him, "Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!” Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such “Honey do’s”... So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project. One is a sheet metal fabricator. One brought his welder. One brought beer and Nachos. One brought a grill and burgers. Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers. As usual, the wife is still not happy! Can’t understand, cause all us guys love it! Personally, I cannot wait for rain.